Ugh

I have spent hours and hours this week preparing and making collagraphs to try and make my work to a bigger, more effective place. So far, I am not getting the results I want. I am dealing with many issues. On a technical level, I think I need to switch inks. I am using water-based ink and it's not sticking in all the place I want it to stick. It's not as intense as I would like it to be either. On a formal level, my visual language isn't working as well as I'd like and it's making the compositions hard to read. Which brings me to my next dilemma: Have I refined exactly what I am trying to say? Sometimes it seems really clear. Other times it's not. When I talked to Christy this week, I explained that my work documents my attempts to discover my true feelings when it comes to personal issues/ dilemmas/ observations. Going to art school has made me really conscious of this tendency I have to go along with the agendas of others, to anticipate how others might want me to act and respond accordingly. Maybe this is why I am struggling so much this year. This thesis experience is forcing me to make my own decisions. It's agonizing and I keep reaching for someone to give me directions or tell me what to do next. If I can work through this, I know will be a stronger person and a better artist. But, this is really hard. I am still placing so many expectations on this body of work, and it's getting to the point where I am really stifling myself. So I will log off and go back to the studio. First though, I have to write a mission statement. Okay: Today, I am going to make work that illustrates my struggle be still, focus and listen to myself. That's all. It's not easy. I don't like sitting still.